And the Fan Girls Wept
by Ivory Tower
Summary: Snape and Legolas have multitudes of fans and Lucius feels left out! Can Snape save the day? Those with a warped sense of humor are welcome!


Title: And the Fan Girls Wept   
  
Author: Ivory Tower  
  
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts. Talk to the Tolkien Estate about Legolas.  
"Second place goes to Severus Snape, who is now the proud owner of a floating lingerie bag," announced Dumbledore, clapping.  
  
Snape squealed with delight and ran with glee to collect his prize. McGonagal glared at him.  
  
"First place goes to Neville Longbottom. Mr. Longbottom will receive this handsome pants trolley!"  
  
Neville burst into tears of joy when he thought of all the pants he could put on that trolley.  
  
"And now, our Grand, Grand Prize Winner of the 2003 Nude Legolas Calendar, goes to-"  
  
Someone crashed through the window into the Great Hall. It was none other than Lucius Malfoy and Legolas Greenleaf. Lucius had his wand pointed at the gagged elf's throat. And the fan girls wept. Draco cringed, for his father appeared to have gone off the deep end this time.  
  
"What is the meaning of this?" demanded the Headmaster.  
  
Lucius scowled. "I am far sexier than this pretty boy elf!" he hissed. "No one asked me to pose nude. No one writes racey poems about *my* big bow! I demand more recognition! *I* should be the sexiest man alive!"  
  
Snape scoffed, for he had Lucius Malfoy beat by a long shot. Legolas scoffed at Snape, though the dirty sock in his mouth muffled the sound.  
  
"What are you going to do?" Hermione wanted to know.  
  
Lucius smiled. "I am going to cut Legolas' hair!" Everyone screamed, including Legolas. "And then," continued Lucius, grinning wickedly, "I shall snip off the tips of his ears!"  
  
Legolas fainted. So did Neville and Ron.  
  
"You can't do that!" yelled Harry Potter.  
  
"Oh, and why not?"  
  
"Because legions of fan girls will have your ass on a skewer if you do, Lucius," replied Snape, smug with his own popularity amongst gals young and old.  
  
Dumbledore nodded sagely. "He is right, Lucius. Harming Legolas will only result in doing yourself greater harm. You have your own group of admirers. Why not revel in what recognition you have?"  
  
Lucius' bottom lip trembled. "But Legolas has the most! It's not right!"  
  
"Grow some testicles, man! I'm the Boy-Who-Lived, and Snape has a bigger following! He has *yellow* teeth!"  
  
Snape grinned. Girls drooled over his sexy, crooked teeth and greasy black hair. Snape was a walking poster boy for the slogan " Ugly People Can Be Sexy Too".  
  
Lucius' jaw hardened. "That is not the issue! If I had pointy ears *I* would be the biggest heart throb of all!"  
  
Legolas spat out the dirty sock. "You also have to be proficient in elvish and be a master archer."  
  
Lucius quivered with rage. "I am Lucius goddamn Malfoy! I am a pure blood with money, power, and a gorgeous mane of blond hair!"  
  
Legolas shook his head. " I am immortal and Prince of Mirkwood. My mane of blond hair is longer."  
  
"But mine is blonder!"  
  
"Is not!"  
  
"Is so!"  
  
"Not!"  
  
"So!"  
  
"I am several times your senior, yet I look to be in my early twenties."  
  
Lucius fell silent, breathing hard. Ron said what the vain Malfoy could not.   
  
"Mr. Malfoy looks like he's in his early forties."  
  
That did it! With a roar, Lucius Malfoy jumped at the crowd.  
  
"Run away!"  
  
"He's gone mad!"  
  
"Help! Mad Malfoy!"  
  
Indeed, Lucius Malfoy rampaged through the Great Hall, singing, "I hate Reeces to peices!" while whacking assorted students with his cane. He seized the Nude Legolas 2003 calendar and set fire to it with his wand. And the fan girls wept. Draco buried his face in his hands and hated his life.  
  
"Harry, do something," hissed Hermione as she and other Gryffindors overturned a table to act as a barrier.  
  
"I'm not sexy enough," replied Harry. "Exploding snap, anyone?"  
  
"Where's Oliver Wood when you need him?"  
  
"He graduated last year."  
  
"Well shit!"  
  
Dumbledore looked over at Legolas. "Why don't you do something?"  
  
"Me? I'm the victim. Oooooh! Treacle tarts! May I have one?"  
  
"Of course." Dumbledore offered him the platter.  
  
When Lucius set fire to Snape's floating lingerie bag, the Potions Master vowed revenge.  
  
"I've never won anything in my life," yelled Snape. "The one time I do win something, you," here, Snape jutted along, bony finger at Lucius, "have to come along and destroy it!"  
  
Snape then seized Neville's pants trolley and proceeded to run after Lucius with the first place prize. The Nude Legolas 2003 calendar gently smoldered in the background as Dumbledor called for tea. He and Legolas sat and discussed the wonders of gym pants. Snape continued to chase Lucius in order to avenge the recently departed floating lingerie bag so dear to him.  
  
Common sense finally kicked in, and with a flick of his wand, Snape had Lucius pinned against the wall.  
  
"What are you going to do?" demanded Lucius.  
  
"This!" replied Snape, flicking his wand again.  
  
Lucius Malfoy was now dressed in a sage green 1970's leisure suit. He screamed, as did Dumbledore and several others.  
  
"Hey, Malfoy, your old man's a dork!"  
  
Draco produced a rope and proceeded to make a noose.  
  
Snape pointed to the floor. "On your back, Lucius!"  
  
Pale faced, Lucius obeyed. His leisure suit was awfully tight at the crotch. With a Snapish smirk, Snape seized Neville's remarkable pants trolley and promptly ran over Lucius repeatedly with the mysticle item.  
  
After-oh, five minutes of so, Snape made Lucius get to his feet and do a one man reinactment of the theme song to Gilligan's Island. Harry looked at Hermione.  
  
"Snape's really warped, isn't he?"  
  
"Yes," sighed Hermione, "but he has those dreamy black eyes."  
  
When Snape was at last avenged, he released Lucius and sent him off to nurse his bruised ego.  
  
"Well done, Severus," said Dumbledore. "I think we've heard the last of Lucius Malfoy. Legolas is safe!"  
  
Multitudes of fangirls cheered.  
  
"But why, Professor?" asked Ron Weasley. "Why did you save Legolas, knowing full well he's more popular than you?"  
  
"Well that's simple, Weasley. He's my boyfriend."  
  
~FIN~  
  
A/N: Yes, I like Legolas so don't gripe! I just had to address his popularity! 


End file.
